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A Very Bad Idea

Joanne (phoenix1969)

Doctor Who

Christopher Eccleston/John Barrowman/Billie Piper


Huge thanks to Llaras for the awesome beta.

Billie really hates being the mature one.

Billie is not an idiot. She goes about her business and does her best to act like a professional. She wants a career; she doesn’t want to be dismissed as another dumb blonde.

So, therefore, snogging her co-stars in the supply closet is a bad plan.

“I didn’t even know there was a closet here!” She says which is entirely besides the point, but she’s walked down this hallway almost every day for the past few months and she would have sworn there wasn’t a door here.

“If there’s the chance for indecent behavior, I think John could find a closet while blindfolded in the desert,” Chris says though he’s difficult to understand because John keeps on kissing him.

Well, not exactly kissing him. Kissing is what normal people do. John is kissing Chris’s nose and licking his cheek and, really, being altogether disgusting. Billie would laugh if she wasn’t trying desperately to be the mature one.

“I mean, really,” she says, “how is that even attractive?”

And that is also entirely beside the point. Especially since Chris has grown impatient with all the licking and now has John pressed up against a shelf and is kissing him properly.

The shelf has to be digging painfully into John’s back, but he doesn’t seem to mind at all. Though Billie is pretty sure that if Chris was kissing her like that, she wouldn’t notice if someone set her on fire because it’s pretty much the hottest thing she has ever seen.

Chris is holding John’s face with one hand and doing insanely filthy things to John’s mouth with his tongue. Billie hadn’t realized it was possible for just kissing to be that dirty. Apparently she has a lot to learn.

Neither of them has their eyes closed. They’re staring at each other like they’re engaging in some sort of duel. John breaks first, and Billie isn’t sure if that means he’s won or lost the game. Chris seems to think he’s won because he’s smirking at John, but John is unimpressed and wriggles out of Chris’s grip in order to lick his face from chin to forehead.

Billie laughs. She’s trying to be mature, but she's only human. John's grin grows bigger at the sound of her laughter. Chris frowns and with an evil glint in his eyes, grabs at John and pulls them both to the floor.

Arms and legs go flying and crashing into the shelves causing a truly impressive chain reaction of flying bottles and falling shelves.

There’s a moment when they all wait for something else to break. John is lying on the ground looking stunned. Chris is on top of him shaking with what Billie thinks is laughter. Billie is staring transfixed at a puddle of bright blue cleaning fluid that is inching slowly towards Chris and John.

“You’ll ruin your costumes!” Billie says and she knows it’s a stupid thing to say the second it comes out of her mouth, but the costume lady is scary and she knows that John and Chris will find a way to make her be the one to explain things even though none of this is remotely her fault.

John and Chris turn to look at her. Chris is still laughing. Billie starts to worry that he might have hit his head.

“Why are you still wearing your costumes anyway?” Billie asks.

“Madame, are you suggesting we all take our clothes off?” John asks, pretending to be scandalized. “How shocking!”

“I am suggesting that this is a very bad idea,” Billie says.

“Since when were you no fun?” John asks. He’s pouting. It should look ridiculous to see a grown man pout, but it’s John, so, instead, Billie starts to feel bad for being the one to make him pout. It’s not fair that one man can have that power over other people. Billie suspects there may have been deals with the Devil at some point.

“Since there were all sorts of not nice words for girls who make out with their co-stars in supply closets,” Billie replies.

John continues to pout. Billie really hates being the mature one.

Billie swears that she is just about to leave the closet and let the boys molest each other in private when John suddenly rolls Chris off of him and starts advancing towards Billie. It’s like being menaced by a polar bear cub. Billie knows this is dangerous. She should run away. It's just that he's so cute that she really wants to pet him, even if means she’ll lose her hand.

Billie takes a tentative step back. John smiles and reaches out to grab her hand. She shivers when his finger brushes across her wrist. He smells like cleaning supplies, antiseptic with a hint of lemon. It shouldn’t make her want to jump him, but it does.

She pulls her hand out of his grip. “I’m a nice girl,” Billie protests. She’s really not, but someone has to say no to John every once in a while or he becomes impossible. “And this is a closet.”

“It’s a nice closet,” John says and kisses her wrist.

“It was a nice closet,” Billie corrects, “until you two destroyed it.”

In her head, Billie has all sorts of important and valid points to be making, but all that seems to be coming out of her mouth is nonsense. She would say that she’s lost control of the situation, but she’s pretty sure she never had any control to begin with.

John bites the tip of her finger, but before Billie can protest or pull her hand away, he licks it from wrist to finger tip.

“Would you please tell John to stop slobbering all over me,” Billie pleads with Chris.

Chris just grins at her from where he’s lying on the floor.

“Are you sure you didn’t hit your head?” Billie asks.

Chris shakes his head no and continues to smile. He’s staring at her now, or more precisely, staring at her finger which is still between John’s lips. She swears she had meant to pull her hand away.

“Can I have my hand back, please?” She asks John.

John releases her finger from his mouth, but keeps hold of her hand. “What will you do with it, if I give you back your hand?”

“You’ll just have to see won’t you?” Billie says.

“That’s the Billie I know and love,” John says pulling her close to him.

Billie should really hit him or shove him away, but instead she relaxes into his hug. John gives good hugs. It’s a well known fact.

She jumps when there’s a loud banging on the door.

“Help!” John shouts. “Billie has us locked in here and is doing terrible things to us!”

Billie wriggles out of his grip and smacks his ass, hard.

“Ow!” John shouts. “Did you hear that? She’s torturing us. Chris is cowering on the floor in fear.”

“Children,” a long suffering voice says from the other side of the door. “You need to be on set in five minutes.”

“Five minutes is a long time,” Chris notes from where he is still sprawled on the floor.

“If I had known you would do kinky things with your hand, I would have given it back to you earlier,” John observes.

“I don’t do kinky things in closets,” Billie says primly.

John raises his eyebrows in mock disbelief.

Billie turns her back on him and leans over to give Chris a hand up. She can feel John’s eyes on her ass.

“However,” Billie says, pulling Chris in for a quick, fierce kiss, “if you get me a proper room with a bed, I’ll see what I can do.”

She walks out of the closet with her head held high knowing that whatever game they’re playing, she just won the round.


 Left By:
jenn (surreallis)

2009-01-01 23:53:32

Haa! Okay, this is just plain FUN. These three locked in a closet, what could possibly be hotter? Great fic!

 Left By:
dirty diana (dirty_diana)

2009-01-03 13:40:47

Aw| Closet notwithstandig, this is really cute. John is naughty, and of course they would try to make it out to be all Billie's fault. Poor Billie. Surrounded by children.

 Left By:
Joanne (phoenix1969)

2009-01-13 01:17:49

Argh, I am so sorry the holidays and other things prevented me from commenting until now. I absolutely adore this - I thought it was the long shot pairing request but I'm so glad you wrote it, I adore it, and it seems quite plausible and realistic to me. And of course the guys are way more immature than Billie... of course they are. It's them.Thank you so much for this, you really did help make my holiday season brighter.

 Left By:
Guest (Tank Girl's Girl)

2009-01-18 05:47:30

Adorable threesome in a closet? Yes please! This was fantastic! I'm highly amused by John's penchant for licking people.