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Perfektionswahn

By:
For:
pesha (pesha)

Fandom:
Supernatural

Pairing:
Jensen/Misha

Rating:
PG-13

Warnings:
None

Notes:
Thanks to Green_postit for the awesome beta!

Summary:
Misha tries to be normal. He fails.

 
It's hard being Misha Collins.

Okay, technically speaking—judging by commonly accepted societal standards of 'hard'—it really isn't all that hard to be Misha Collins, but that's missing the existential point.

The point being that, yes, for a majority of the population, the act of being Misha Collins would not be considered hard, but for Misha, who (as far as he knows) is the only current person tasked with the burden of being Misha (and really the idea of there being more than one of him running around is horrifying. He had a nightmare about it once. He couldn't sleep for days afterwards) it is unbearably hard.

Misha isn't sure if this should be considered a paradox or irony. He is considering calling it an ironic paradox and possibly petitioning the Germans to come up with a word to describe the state of 'Being Misha'. He's thinking maybe Vollkommenheitshandicap.

Or not. He’s always been better at faking Russian.

The problem with being Misha is that his brain never shuts up. And, yeah, he's pretty damn entertaining and hilarious, but no one enjoys being trapped in a small space with someone who doesn't ever shut up.

Misha's been stuck with himself for his entire life.

All he wants is to, if only for a little while, is have normal thoughts. He doesn't want to actually be normal because he's well aware that it's pretty much an impossible dream at this point. He just wants to think normally. He thinks it would be peaceful—possibly even illuminating. Like maybe true enlightenment is through thoughts about the weather and how the traffic keeps on getting worse.

Instead, his brain is a noisy place filled with never ending bursts of thoughts that chase each other around in a never ending madcap race to nowhere. It makes actual thought kind of hard.

Like, for example, he just spent the last ten minutes deciding if he would make a good lion tamer. He likes lions and he's always gotten along well with animals (except for that incident with the flying squirrel, but he's pretty sure that little bastard was insane and he's refusing to take those unfortunate events personally). He's a little concerned about the clothes, however.

He's not sure he can pull off sequins and whips.

He's pretty sure these aren't normal thoughts; pretty sure normal people wouldn't have spent the last ten minutes trying to decide whether or not Lady Gaga was actually a man.

Misha spends a few moments considering a possible career as a female pop star, but he runs into the sequins and whips problem again and he's supposed to be trying to think like a normal person.

And now Jensen is looking at him weirdly.

Okay, Jensen always looks at him funny, like he's about two seconds from calling for the nice men in the white coats. Usually, Misha is pretty sure there is some affection in the look but right now he just looks annoyed.

Misha thinks maybe there is something he's supposed to be doing.

Jensen gestures to the elevator in front of them. "You need to push the button to make the elevator come."

Oh right. "That's not actually true. If we wait here for long enough someone is bound to get off on this floor. Or…"

Jensen sighs loudly and leans around Misha to press the call button.

Misha was going to say something about how he could have figured out a way to summon the elevator with his mind, but that wouldn't be very normal thing to say and he really does want to try this whole normal thing out.

"Sorry."

Jensen shrugs. "Just don't be like Jared and 'accidentally' press all the buttons."

Misha snickers because pressing all the buttons is funny. Juvenile, but hilarious.

Jensen glares at him.

Misha thinks about explaining to Jensen why it's so funny, but some people just don't appreciate the classics. It's like the Macbeth of immature jokes. Misha thinks briefly about trying to equate all practical jokes with a famous work of literature. He chuckles to himself when he decides that Ethan Fromme would be a banana peel.

Jensen gives him another look and Misha thinks about explaining the joke, but then he realizes it's probably only funny to him. And also, he's trying to be normal. Instead he smiles brightly at Jensen and waits for the elevator.

He can hear the elevator rumbling a few floors above them. It's an old fashioned elevator, the kind where you have to open a door and pull back a gate to get inside. The whole hotel has this old fashioned theme going on, sort of like a Vegas hotel, only much more boring. When Misha first saw it yesterday, he expected there to be an elevator operator sitting on a stool when the doors opened.

The elevator arrives at their floor and Misha opens the door and pulls at the gate. Jensen is apparently still talking about Jared and elevator buttons.

"…it's the way he says 'oops', like he didn't mean to lean on all the buttons. Makes me really me want to punch him in the face. It wasn't funny the first time. Or the second time. Or the fifth time."

Misha nods encouragingly at Jensen. He's clearly in a dark place and needs to work through this.

"The seventh time was sort of funny," Jensen continues thoughtfully, "but by the twentieth time…"

Misha pats Jensen on the shoulder. He doesn't have to reach far. Old elevators are small.

Jensen shudders. "I swear the word 'oops' is enough to send me into a homicidal rage."

"Lobby, right?" Misha asks.

"Yeah."

Misha goes to press the button and a thought pops into his head. A bad thought. A thought a normal person would probably promptly dismiss.

Misha, unfortunately, is still very new at this normal thing.

"Oops."

The power of Jensen's glare is enough to send Misha's life flashing before his eyes. There's a disappointing lack of sequins and whips.

"Kidding!" Misha presses himself against the elevator so Jensen can see that only the button for the lobby is lit up.

"You're not funny," Jensen complains.

"I'm a little bit funny." He gets that now is not the time to argue, but the truth is the truth.

Jensen rolls his eyes. He's smiling a little bit so Misha counts it as a victory.

And then the elevator screeches to a halt. And continues to screech even though the elevator isn't moving at all.

"Stop fucking around," Jensen hisses.

"I didn't do anything!"

The screeching lasts for a few more seconds, followed by an ominous clang, and then silence.

"Seriously, start the elevator," Jensen orders.

Misha presses the button for the lobby again. It doesn't do anything. "It's stuck."

"Because you made it stick."

"You seriously overestimate my evil powers," Misha protests though he has to admit that he's sort of flattered.

"So we're stuck?"

"Yeah, I believe that's what it means when something stops moving," Misha says. Jensen closes his eyes and moves his lips slightly like he's counting backwards from ten.

Misha tries to be worried about being stuck in a very small, very old elevator with someone who is possibly thinking very seriously about homicide, but instead thinks being trapped in an elevator is going to make an excellent thing to twitter about. To bad he's just stuck with Jensen and not the Queen of England. Misha takes a moment to imagine Jensen as the Queen. It's actually a look he pulls off well. Misha is just about to tell Jensen how good he would look in a tiara and pearls, but then he remembers that he's supposed to be thinking like a normal person.

"There should be an alarm or a phone or something," Misha says instead.

Jensen looks surprised that Misha actually has something useful to say. Misha wants to be offended, but figures Jensen's surprise is pretty valid.

Jensen finds a red button labeled 'Alarm' and pushed it. There's a faint, distant bell like sound that quickly fizzles out to nothing.

"Fucking great," Jensen mutters and then pulls out his cell phone.

"Are you calling 911?" Misha asks.

"I'm calling Jared," Jensen says.

"911 would probably be more useful," Misha says. "Jared is just going to laugh." He would laugh too if he was in Jared's position.

"He can get help," Jensen explains.

"He's not Lassie," Misha says and makes a valiant effort to stop his brain from thinking about Jared as an overgrown puppy who rescues unsuspecting boys from wells. Maybe that's how Jared and Jensen became so close. "How do we know he'll actually go get help?"

"Because he's our friend and a decent human being," Jensen says.

Misha worries about Jensen's powers of observation for a moment.

"And I have gummi worms in my bag."

Misha laughs. Sometimes he forgets that while Jensen is definitely the serious one, he's being graded on a highly skewed scale of seriousness. He's Kermit the Frog to Jared's Fozzie and Misha's Gonzo; much more responsible and sane then the rest of them, but still ultimately a Muppet.

Misha watches Jensen call Jared and explain where they are. The laughter on the other end lasts for about a minute. Misha is impressed with Jared's restraint.

"Jared says to fix whatever you did," Jensen reports.

"I didn't do anything," Misha protests. "Why does everyone think this is my fault?"

Jensen raises an eyebrow.

"Fine," Misha says. "But I didn't do it."

"I believe you," Jensen says with mock sincerity.

"I'm stuck in here too!" Misha reminds him.

"Yeah, but you're stuck with me. That's makes it a good thing for you."

"Funny." Misha assumes is sarcasm is evident. "Tell Jared to fetch help."

"Go Lassie Go!" Jensen says into his phone. Misha thinks he hears a muted 'fuckface' from Jared before Jensen hangs up.

Misha looks around the elevator. It really is tiny. The plaque on the wall says its capacity is four people, but they would have to be four very tiny people to fit in the elevator. Just the two of them are practically on top of each other. For a moment, Misha worries that maybe he's claustrophobic, but then decides that discovering that you are claustrophobic while trapped in an elevator would be incredibly cliché.

Misha may be a lot of things, but cliché is not one of them. Clearly he can't be claustrophobic.

Misha looks up. He's startled when he sees himself. "Huh."

"What?" Jensen asks.

"Mirrored ceiling," Misha says. "Why does an elevator need a mirrored ceiling?"

"Who knows?" Jensen says and slides down the wall so he can sit down. His legs reach all the way across the elevator. "Who cares?"

"Maybe there's a camera hidden up there," Misha says. "To tape all the kinky elevator sex that happens in here and post it online."

Jensen rolls his eyes but he chuckles.

Misha makes faces at where he thinks the camera might be hidden, but then remembers the whole trying to be normal thing and slides down the wall so he can sit next to Jensen. It's a tight fit, only about an inch of space between them.

Misha's phone vibrates. It's a text from Jared. I no u did smhin 2 the elv8r, u fucker.

Misha texts back. Lassie, you stupid fuck, get help!

His phone buzzes a few seconds later. Srss, what'd u do? I won't tell. I promise.

If we die, I'm going to haunt you.

"I didn't stop the elevator!" Misha repeats to Jensen who's been looking over his shoulder to read the texts.

There's a clang from the elevator that Misha takes as its vote of support.

Jensen pats him on the shoulder. "I believe you."

"Thank you."

Jensen's phone rings. Misha looks up at the mirror again and gives a wave. He kind of wishes they could be more entertaining for the poor people watching. He thinks he would like that job. He always wanted to be a spy. Well, he wanted to be a spy since he thought about it two seconds ago, but he thinks he would be an excellent at it.

"Jared said some guy who looks official said they'd have the elevator fixed in an hour. And that we should stay put."

"Funny," Misha says with a roll of his eyes.

"Yeah," Jensen agrees as he digs through his bag. "I'm eating all his gummy worms."

"Do you think I'd be a good spy?" Misha asks.

"What?"

"Oh right," Misha says. "I'm supposed to be trying to be normal."

"How's that working out for you?"

"Not well," Misha says sadly.

He really does kind of suck at being normal.

"So what should we do while we're waiting?" Jensen asks. "I've got a bag of gummi worms, my phone, my wallet, and a lighter."

Misha empties his pockets. He's got his phone, a piece of gum, a red pen, and his wallet.

It's a pretty unimpressive pile of stuff. They both agree that they should keep phone use to a minimum to converse the batteries and that while it would definitely be cool to light the gummi worms on fire, it would be a bad idea to do so is such an enclosed space.

Misha chews thoughtfully on a gummi worm and tries to think of normal things that they can do.

"What do normal people do while waiting?" Misha asks.

"I don't think normal people would ask that question," Jensen says. He's tearing gummi worms into little pieces and making piles of worm bits. Misha thinks it's a little disturbing that Jensen is considered the sane one.

Misha tries really hard to think like a normal person. "We could have sex."

The worm in Jensen's hand goes flying and splats against the wall.

Misha thinks about what he just said. Whoops. "I think maybe I have some sort of really sophisticated form of Tourettes," Misha tries.

They both watch the worm slowly side its way down the wall.

"I think you're just insane," Jensen says thoughtfully when the worm finally falls to the ground.

It's probably true, but still Misha hates being labeled. "Don't judge me."

Misha throws a gummi worm against the wall. It doesn't go splat and slowly make its way down the wall like Jensen's. It just bounces off the wall and hits the floor. Misha is disappointed. Jensen looks smug.

Misha gnaws a gummi worm in half, licks it, and then throws it against the wall. It sticks. Misha feels triumphant.

Jensen stares for a moment at the worm half stuck to the wall. "You really do suck at being normal," Jensen observes.

"I think I need more practice."

"Why exactly are you trying to be normal?"

Misha shrugs. "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

Jensen gets a text from Jared and looks down to reply.

Misha starts thinking about elevator sex. He's never actually had sex in an elevator before. The opportunities have arisen, sure, but it's never seemed like a good plan. It's not like there's really enough time to do anything unless you… hmm… interesting.

"Why did you think I stopped the elevator?" Misha asks.

Jensen shrugs and doesn't look up from his texting. "It the type of thing you'd do."

"But why would I want to trap myself in an elevator with you?" Misha asks.

"I don't know," Jensen says. "I'm not you."

"But why would you think I would want to trap myself in an elevator with you?" Misha asks.

Jensen looks uncomfortable—either from this conversation—or from being stuck in small elevator with a lunatic. Misha isn't exactly sure which one it could be.

A combination of the two, perhaps.

"You think I want to have sex with you!" Misha says gleefully.

"Well, yeah," Jensen says. "You just said you wanted to have sex with me."

"That was the Tourettes."

"You don't have Tourettes," Jensen snaps.

"Listen," Misha explains. "The only possible reason to want to be trapped in an elevator with someone is that you want to have sex with them."

"Okay?" Jensen looks like he might possibly be considering trying to fashion a straight jacket out of gummi worms. It's not a look Misha has ever seen before, but he's sure he's exactly right on its meaning.

"And you were convinced that I wanted to be trapped in an elevator with you and wanted to have sex with you, but I didn't trap us in the elevator, so therefore, you clearly want to have sex with me."

Jensen blinks at him. "What?"

"I think maybe I might have missed a few steps of the explanation, but it all makes sense in my head and I know I'm right."

"What happened to trying to be normal?" Jensen sighs.

Misha frowns and considers the whole normal thing. "I think maybe I'm over that."

"I don't want to have sex with you. Especially not in the elevator." Jensen says.

"I disagree."

"I think I know who I want to have sex with."

"Then why is the elevator stopped?" Misha asks.

"Something broke."

"But who broke it?"

"I don't know," Jensen says. "Sometimes things just break."

"So you're saying fate is conspiring to make us have sex in this elevator."

"No!"

"So who's trying to get us to have sex? If I'm not doing it and you're not doing it and god isn't doing it, then who is?" Misha demands.

"Just because we're trapped in the elevator, doesn't mean we have to have sex." Jensen says.

Misha frowns. "That doesn't make any sense."

Jensen glares at him for a moment and then grins. "You're fucking with me, aren't you?"

"Yeah," Misha admits. "A little bit. I'm bored. I wanted to see if I could get you to break."

There's a disturbing whining sound coming from outside the elevator followed by a banging noise and what sounds like feet walking across the top. Misha really hopes it's someone fixing the elevator.

Jensen is frowning next to him. "Wait… break how?"

"Admit that you want to have sex with me," Misha explains.

"So by your logic, and I can't believe that I'm admitting to following your logic, doesn't that actually mean that you want to have sex with me?"

"No!" Misha says and then thinks about it. "Well, maybe? Turning someone's own fucked up logic against him is really rude."

Jensen chews on a gummi worm and looks smug. Misha is starting to hate gummi worms. Actually, he's always kind of hated gummi worms and all gummi foods (except for the gummi coke bottles, those were kind of awesome) but now he thinks the hate might be becoming pathological.

When he rules the world, he's banning all gummi products. People might initially complain, but they would thank him in the end for providing a gummi free world.

Jensen shifts slightly next to him and Misha turns to look at him with a frown. Does he want to have sex with Jensen? It's not really a fair question because Misha is up for trying anything once, so of course he wants to have sex with Jensen. The question is: is there anything particular about Jensen that would make Misha want to have sex with him especially.

"Jen," Misha says. "Take this pen and write a thousand word essay on why I should have sex with you."

Jensen takes the pen without looking and throws it against the wall. "No paper."

The pen rolls back to Misha. He's sure there's something symbolic about that.

There's a large thump from above and then the elevator drops a few feet. Jensen somehow ends on top of Misha. There's the sound of someone cursing above of them and then a muffled, "Sorry!"

"No problem!" Jensen shouts back. "Take your time." And then laughs a little hysterically into Misha's neck.

"I feel," Misha says carefully looking up at Jensen's ear, "that having sex just because we think we might die is very cliché. And I never do things that are cliché."

"Good for you," Jensen says, settling more comfortably on top of Misha.

"And we also need to consider the people watching us in the mirror. Do we really want them watching us?"

"Right," Jensen agrees. "We don't want that." He shifts a bit closer so that Misha has to open his legs to accommodate him.

Misha doesn't let himself moan when Jensen doesn't settle down on him as much as rub against Misha him until he seems to find the perfect spot. He's taking a moral stand. He's not sure about what, but he knows there will be no moaning.

"You planned this whole thing to take advantage of me."

"Yep," Jensen agrees.

"Really?" Misha asks.

"Yes."

"I am pretty irresistible," Misha concedes.

Jensen rolls his eyes.

"Really, really?" Misha repeats.

"No," Jensen grins. "I'm just bored."

Misha considers their depleting supply of gummi worms and the lack of surfaces to write on. "Fair enough," he agrees and wraps a hand around Jensen's neck and kisses him.

It's a pretty impressive kiss given the circumstances. Misha foot hits the walls when he's trying to roll them over and he's pretty sure Jensen's head hits the floor, but somewhere in the chaos, Jensen's managed to get his hand down Misha's pants and Misha's got his hands on Jensen's ass. From the sounds Jensen's making into Misha's mouth, he's clearly enjoying himself.

Misha is trying to figure out a way to get out of his pants without injuring himself further when there's a loud groaning noise that doesn't come from either him or Jensen.
The elevator starts moving again.

'Fuck," Jensen says. They roll away from each other and start to frantically make themselves presentable.

"This is why I don't do cliché things," Misha complains. "They lead to other cliché things like being interrupted just when things are getting really good and it becomes a whole epic cliché clusterfuck."

Jensen gives him a long look. For a second, Misha thinks how Cliché Clusterfuck would be an amazing band name, but then he realizes that Jensen is trying to communicate something to him.

"There's really only one thing we can do," Jensen says.

"Right," Misha agrees. "Wait…"

But Misha doesn't have time to get any clarification because they've arrived at the lobby and Jared is opening up the door, pushing at the gate, and giving them both enthusiastic hugs. Misha will just have to have faith that Jensen might possibly be as crazy as he is.

Jared finally lets him go with a puzzled frown and pulls something from his hair. "You have half a gummi worm in your hair. Why is there half a gummi worm in your hair?"

"When I rule the world, being in possession of gummi worms will be punishable by death," Misha proclaims.

Jensen nods in agreement and hands a very confused looking Jared the half-empty bag of gummi worms before they both turn around and get into the next elevator.

The gates closes and Misha leans against the emergency stop button with a loud 'Ooops!"

Jensen grins at him and Misha has his pants off before the elevator has a chance to come to a screening halt.

Misha concludes, as Jensen pulls him down onto the elevator floor, that though it may sometimes be a burden, overall it's pretty awesome to be him.

 Comments

 Left By:
fluffyllama (Llama)

At:
2009-12-27 08:26:26

 
Hehehe, Misha is exactly that crazy, I think :D And I'm absolutely certain that the lion tamer thoughts have passed through his head at some point. Wonderful!


 Left By:
avon_09 (avon_09)

At:
2009-12-27 18:25:29

 
Okay, Jared as Lassie is a whole new verse by itself but definitely Misha's thoughts deserve a lot more airtime. Loved this.


 Left By:
Guest (pesha)

At:
2009-12-28 04:58:15

 
OH YAY! Yay all day for this! I seriously thought I was going to die laughing at one point. I managed to disturb my roommate and convince my neighbors I'm seriously deranged with my crazylaughing at ridiculous o'clock in the morning. I loved Misha's crazybrain. The idea of him trying to be normal makes me a little more abnormal myself because I totally related to all his abnormal thought patterns. Jensen's logic made me laugh even more than Misha's crazy!normal.My favorite moment was Misha being disturbed by Jensen mutilating the gummy worms. That was hysterical.Thank you so much for this! I can't tell you how much brighter this story made my holiday season! <3


 Left By:
llaras (llaras)

At:
2009-12-31 02:48:50

 
Hee. I love you.